Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Let's Go Craaaaazzzyyy!

As a woman, I can honestly admit that we are a tad crazy. If you are a woman reading this and you are appalled and upset by my comment get over it. Man up! YOU are crazy. The question is what degree of crazy are you?

You know how when you go to the Emergency Room there is a pain scale of ‘smiley’ faces that goes from a smile to a sad face.  There should be a similar chart to show your crazy level.  The crazy scale would start with a regular smile to symbolize ‘normal’ and end with a face that has swirlies for eyes and holding a machete.  That final face would epitomizethe approved term of the American Psychiatric Association for a completely crazed and delusional person, aka una “loca”.

I’ve done some internet research to find some sort of ‘crazy scale’, but there really isn’t one. Honestly, I don’t understand why no one has developed one. Creating a crazy scale may be my new project.  People who work in the psychiatric/mental health world get bent out of shape when people use words crazy, looney, lunatic, etc. I know because I worked in the field for a couple fo years. Everyone is so goddamn sensitive. You would think I was lobbying for mandated institutionalization. So everyone needs to take a Xanax and chill the fuck up.

The thing about the crazy scale is that you wouldn’t be able to honestly indicate which level of crazy you may be.  Another person would only be able to use the crazy scale on you. A true crazy person does not see themselves as crazy. Being crazy also means being DELUSIONAL. Come on let’s say it together…DE-LU-SION-AL.  Crazy and delusional go hand in hand. You know what else goes hand and hand with being crazy...sexy and hot.  Yes I said it. You know it’s true. The hotter/sexier the woman is the crazier she is. It’s so true. Come on you know it is.

Now of course, there isn’t a crazy scale, but there is an actual ‘hot-crazy scale’. It was created by the great writes of the CBS’s hit show, “How I Met Your Mother”. The ‘Hot-Crazy’ Scale was coined by Barney Stinson. (On a side note, Barney Stinson and Charlie Harper are my heroes. Funny that they are both from CBS shows. Hmmmmm…)
Barney’s ‘Hot-Crazy Scale’ states that a girl is allowed to be crazy IF she is equally hot. As per Barney’s blog, this is his explaination:

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Ahhhhh now that explains it. What? You don’t understand? Think back and remember all the hot chicks you have been attracted too. Now be honest…they were a bit crazy..right? You see what I mean.  Now with that being said, there is no way I am going NOT going to date a hot chick. Sorry if I sound shallow, but chemistry is everything.  Non-hot chicks aka ugly chicks are boring. Why are they boring? Well they aren’t that physically appealing which makes them social introverts. Social introverts are boring. They are not social because they are insecure about their looks. The problem is that they are usually pretty smart and cultured. Obviously because they have no life so they read a lot and go to museums.  These ugly social retards are also often crazy themselves. They are not the hot-crazy crazy, but a different type of crazy. It’s usually one of those boring ‘crazy’ behaviors like depression or anxiety.  Those 2 are usually pretty boring. Who the hell wants to date a Debbie Downer or Anxious Agnes? Certainly not me. This girls bore me to death. They are always worried about not saying or doing the right thing. That’s too much of a hassle for me.

Now….let’s talk about hot-crazy.  I’ve dated some pretty attractive women in my life.  These women not only a representative on their dates with me, but their whole damn fucking entourage. You get swept up like a damn tornado. You’re in awe with her beauty and if she’s smart and has personality… It’s over for you. You might as well throw your hands up in the air and wave the white flag of surrender.  The only thing you don’t do is admit to the pretty woman that you have given up. She will chew you up and spit you out before you have even realized it.  In the end she will spit you out, but if you are going to date her a couple of times you might as well have fun.

So in what ways are pretty women crazy? Let’s see. I actually have to think about this one because even though I know it’s true, your mind plays tricks on you.  As you start to think about them and their crazy behavior, your memory becomes tainted by images of their beauty and the crazy shit she did to you in bed. You see what I mean? That’s why pretty women always get forgiven for EVERYTHING! You end up apologizing for shit you didn’t even do. Really? Like what the fuck is that all about? If you get truly mad over some stupid inconsiderate shit they’ve done, all they do is bat their eyelashes, show some cleavage, make pouty faces and then we forget why were mad to begin with. It’s so pathetic.

If the terrorists were smart they would recruit all their attractive women and teach them these emotional guerilla tactics to use against our soldiers.  Men fall for this shit so easily and obviously the women who love women.  Oh wait how can we forget the gays?!  When I say “the gays”, I mean men who love men.  Now I still believe they would fall for this hot women emotional guerilla tactic because gay men LOVE LOVE beautiful women. They collect them like trophy wives. These beautiful straight women are used as to bait to attract the wayward heterosexual man.  So I think it may still work. The terrorists just need to make sure they are wearing this season’s Prada shoes and a Balenciaga bag. Jesus Christ! My roommate needs to stop leaving those damn Vogue issues in the bathroom!!

I’ve fallen for the pouty face trap a bazillion times by several different women. You would think I would have learned my lesson. No..not at all. Did I mention that it’s pretty pathetic? I try my hardest though. I really do. Sometimes I make it through a 5 WHOLE MINUTES..a 5 WHOLE MINUTES sticking to my guns and then I cave in.  I think my record is 15 minutes.
So the next time you see a pretty young thing, remember to run a crazy scale through your head.  

Oh wait I didn’t even discuss the crazy behaviors that make up the damn crazy scale! DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?!! Thinking of a pretty woman completely makes you lose focus. Good Grief!!!

If you surf the net there are countless of websites detailing the top 10 signs of a crazy girl. They are all pretty much the same. I’m going to use these 2 websites since I’m going by my personal experience. Luckily I’ve only dated a couple of crazy girls and never made them an official girlfriend (oh wait I forgot about the blemish on my almost impeccable record).  Besides the one crazy Central American chick that I dated, I’ve been pretty lucky.  I was dating a PR mixed chick last year. I don’t really consider hot. She was aight. It lasted about 5 months. During the 4th month, I saw how crazy she was. I tried to bail, but I couldn’t shake her off. One thing about crazy women is that the sex is fucking amazing. Why? Because they are crazy and are up for anything and everything. When I say anything and everything….EVERYTHING!
Review the list and I pray that you don’t answer yes to any of the signs. If so…ABORT MISSION!!!!

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