Monday, November 28, 2011

False Advertising

Trying to get back on this blogging grind. What better way to start my grind with a post on my biggest dating pet peeve...False Advertising.

Dating is already a tough job. It's like going on interviews and interviewing every weekend. As I go on these dates, I have to determine along the way whether what she is telling me is fact or fiction. The process is exhausting. The last thing I want to worry about is determining whether the woman I'm taking out on a date is "real". When I say "real", I mean what parts of her physical appearance are actually real. Don't laugh. I'm serious.

I don't know if her hair is real or she's wearing extensions. I don't know if her body shape is real or she's wearing Spanx. I don't know if her eyelashes are real or she's wearing false lashes. I don't know if her breasts are that big or she's wearing either a push up bra or 'enhancers'.

These belong to one of my homegirls. We call them chicken cutlets. 

Seriously, WTF! 
I don't know if her ass is that nice or she's wearing a butt enhancer. Come on!! How am I supposed to know who I am really dating? It's bad enough a representative is showing up on the date, but how am I supposed to tell when the real deal is going to show up?

My biggest fear is that when I finally get behind closed doors, I'm going to find an obese, bald & flat chested woman in my bedroom. Good grief! The moment I get tricked, I'm suing!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Melt this!

I am allergic to many things such as almonds, fresh strawberries, apples, lima beans, dust, cats, etc. It doesn't help that every now and then I have eczema. TMI? It also doesn't help that my "friend" is also allergic to most of the same items I am. Actually, who am I kidding. She's worse. I'm actually surprised she's not allergic to me. No really. If its not the detergent, its the deodorant, the lotion, the soap, etc.  With that being said, I always have to be careful with the products I use behind closed doors..ahem.  Since I like to use candles, I needed to find a product that wouldn't send either of us to the ER or make me whip out my Epi pen. Not Sexy!

I needed the help of experts. I headed to one of my favorite adult shops in the city, The Pleasure Chest. I love this place. They have a little of everything for everyone. They are my go to place for "accessories". I explained my sensitive skin & allergy dilemma to the great folks at PC and the girl recommended the Jimmy Jane After Glow Natural Scented Massage Oil Candle. I chose the Pink Lotus.

Talk about amazing! The candle fits in your palm and it comes in a ceramic candle holder and one of the top edges has a mini spout to help drizzle the oil as it melts. The Pink Lotus gives off a beautiful and warm aroma. The candle melts perfectly so the oil is not too hot as you pour. It glides on smoothly as you massage the person. It didn't stain my sheets either. That was a plus.

I couldn't wait to get home and give it a test run. I did a small patch test on my skin first and it was a go. The big test was on my "friend". Jimmy Jane is the ISH! Neither one of us had a reaction and we enjoyed it greatly. GREATLY. I instantly became a fan of Jimmy Jane.

If you know anyone that has sensitive skin issues, check this product out. I'm looking forward to checking out & ahem TRYING the rest of their collection.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011 of Williamsburg's Best Kept Secrets (Sssh! Don't tell the hipsters!)

Its been quiet some time since I've reviewed a dining establishment. It's not that I've stopped eating out. Quiet the contrary. I eat out way too much & need to start cooking. The problem is that there is always some Top 10 or Top 20 must eat lists that hits my inbox or someone posts on FB. These lists are not just mere lists, they are challanges! My goal is to go through these lists and compare what these reviewers wrote versus the reality. You know I don't believe half of those full of crap reviews. I just use them as a jumpoff.

So here goes...if you're looking for sushi or some crazy Phoenix roll..this is NOT THE PLACE.

This Williamsburg Modern Japanese eatery appeared on Refinery29's Top 10 Secret NYC Restaurants to Impress Your Foodie Friends list. Did someone say 'secret'? Instantly, this became my must do list for the summer. I couldn't get a reservation for several weeks. I parlayed my dilemma to a friend of mine who suggested I plead my case saying it was someones bday. Guess what? it worked! Now, why didn't I think of that?

The outside of the place looks like an average NYC building. Each table is private. It is set up with a roll up bamboo screen that gives you some ahem privacy. Each table is also equipped with silent buzzers that summon your server. How cool & awesome is that?

I brought my date since I had to try out these privacy features for my trusty readers. Oh sorry, I meant I had to try out the FOOD for my trusty readers. For the record, it felt like I was having an affair. I'm saying you have this shade, the silent buzzer, the place is dimly lit, flowing sake & japanese style tapas that are ever so sexy. I love thet feeling that I'm up to no good, so this was perfect. On ambiance alone, I give this spot high marks. Ahem..getting back to the real reason behind my review, the food. You definitely have to do the Chef's Omakase Tasting Menu for the full effect. All 8 courses were amazing. My favorites were the Washyu Beef Tataki (it melted it in your mouth), Sashimi of the day (Tuna Tartar), and the Saikyo Miso Cod. I'm was not a fan of the cod, but now I am. 

The Washyu Beef is the one in the white bowls.

Our server was great. My only minor concern was that she wasn't well versed in sake and their selections. I know nothing about sake. All I know is what tastes good to me. I asked her to tell me the difference between the regular sake tasting menu versus the premium. She couldn't tell me so she called over another server. He basically told me exactly what was written on the menu. Not much help. Premium more or less means better so that's what we decided. I was not going to do anything regular at this place.

Left: Grilled Teba Wings; Right: Saikyo Miso Cod

We had 3 different types of premium sake. We each both loved a different one. The 3rd selection we did not like. I ended up downing it like a shot because we couldn't let it go to waste. Betty Ford would've been proud.

Left: Mineoka Tofu; Center: Truffle infused with Whiskey; Right: Frozen Black Sesame Mousse

To my surprise, the great people at Zenkichi  remembered my birthday story. Our server appeared at our table with our dessert with birthday candles & catching me in a most...ahem.... interesting situation. I clearly remember saying to my date (my back was to the shade), "She's behind me, right?". Luckily I was only slightly misbehaving. Those bamboo shades definitely set an... ahem...mood.

I sang Happy Fake Birthday to my date as we tried to contain our laughter at the situation. I have to say Zenkichi definitely got thumbs up for detail and service. 

Zenkichi is without a doubt and bribe highly recommended by this Insomniac. The food was absolutely delicious, the service was impeccable and the ambiance is ideal for a great romantic date. It definitely can be a bit pricey, so this is not the place you bring your side pieces or bootycalls. I know they need love too, but not this much love!

Bookmark this Brooklyn spot & take your boo on an anniversary, birthday or what the hell...a fake birthday!

Buen Provecho!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Shopping with Girls....the surefire way of getting me to go with you.

Shopping...ugh that dreaded word! Now as you know, I am not your typical girl/woman. I am also not a boy/man. I'm a woman with some boy like qualities. I love sports, beer, porn & women. My personality has a masculine edge, but in no way shape or form am I trying to be a biological boy. I'm also not knocking down the transgendered folks. To each is own I always say.
Now that I've cleared the political air, let's get back to this post. Most guys hate to shop. That's the reason you always find chairs or sofas in stores. It's not so women can rest their tired feet. It's for guys and people like me to rest and get some respite from holding all the goddamn shopping bags. I'm not complaining about the bag holding because that would be not be chivalrous of me. What I do complain about is how BORING shopping with a woman can be. SNORE....

Its not a fun all. All we do is lag behind and unwillingly follow the woman into every store while appearing to be remotely  interested and excited. SNORE. Any guy or person like me that states the contrary is a big fat liar. The things we do for love. It doesn't even have to be romantic love. It's the love you have for your parent, sibling, friend etc.

I like to go in and out of a store. I know my sizes & what I like. There is no way I'm going to spend hours rifling through racks as if I were cataloguing an exhibit. I go in, pick up the product, head to the register, pay & get the hell out. Very very simple.

God forbid I want to go to Modell's, Champs, a sneaker boutique or even an adult novelty shop. What? Ok so maybe not always the novelty shop, but if I need a new fitted or new kicks, come shop with me. Oh so here we go with the rolling of the eyes or the infamous one eyebrow lift accompanied by the pleasantly sarcastic, "sure". Come now, at least pretend you want to go like we do. God forbid I say, "sure" to shopping. The next response would be like "forget it" or better yet "forget it I thought you wanted to spend time together." If you're Catholic or a recovering Catholic, the insta-guilt switch is instantly turned to ON.
Shopping is definitely a no-win situation for us. Unless....shall I dare propose my revolutionary and compromising idea? Shopping should be something we can BOTH enjoy. No its not furniture! Boo to furniture shopping!! That's Level 4 in Dante's Inferno. What I mean ism ahem...Lingerie shopping!!! That's fun.

Oh here we go with women acting all shy and shit. Give me a break. Talk about an activity both parties could enjoy. She loves to shop and spend $ (hopefully not all of yours) and you, well what is not awesome about checking out the woman you are shopping with trying out or imaging her in lingerie? 

Mmmm...Lingerie (Homer Simpson voice). Lingerie is fashion and fashion is art. I love looking at a beautiful fine ass woman in some sexy lingerie. Now, lingerie is not just some lace underwear and a bra. It is high fashion. Victoria Secret's, that's some cheap ass shit. That's lingerie on a mad budget or maybe you just don't know any better. Better say you don't know any better.

Check out some of my favorite spot s,Agent Provocateur, Clo Intimo and La Perla.
These spots can get pretty pricey, so it should only be given to the person you actually care for and not the neighborhood cuero (be quiet M). Those cueros can get VS or even that cheap crap from Pretty Girl. So go ahead and shop till you max out your card or and at least make one of these shopping events genuinely fun for the both of you. Those are bags, I would definitely LOVE to carry. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fallin' in love...10 years later

Let me begin this post by saying that I am not stalker. Yes, I know it sounds like its the 1st stage of denial of an addict. Really I'm not, even though today I acted like I was lol. 

I'm just a really big fan of a rather famous musical artist. Ok she's REALLY's none other than Alicia Keys. Oh where do I begin about my love for Ms. Keys? I feel in love with her shortly after her Songs in A Minor was released. My amazing brother in law (if you ever met him, you would agree he's pretty amazing) gave me a copy of her cd.

Hearing her husky tinged voice lace r&b infused hip hop beats made my heart skip a beat. There wasn't another artist like her around. Her lyrics were straight up, the girl could sing & the beats were fresh. It was love at first listen. I fell in love again when I actually saw what she looked like. I was like "Damn!" Her caramel complexion, those brown eyes, those braids & that killer smile. It was all over for me. I had never "fallen in love" with a musical artist since I was a teen loving up on Johnny from Menudo. (P.S. They all looked somewhat feminine so I shouldve seen that as a sign.)

Aye Alicia, tomorrow will mark our 10 year anniversary since Songs in A Minor was released. I have purchased (never bootleg!) every copy of her albums, attended 2 concerts, was at one time a paid member of her fan club & today actually saw her. Yes like in real person. Ok so she was like 10 feet away from me surrounded by 2 bodyguards & a wrought iron fence; nonetheless 10 feet only separated us.

Both of my exes and anyone I'm currently dating, knows my love for Alicia Keys. It's part of me. If you love me, then you have to accept the fact that Alicia is my boo too. My last ex-gf (you know who you are) gave me one of the best presents I could have ever wished. She took me to see Alicia Keys at Radio City Music Hall. She called in some favors to get me amazing seats. Amazing seats indeed! Check out some of my pics. These are mine. I took them. (Disclaimer: I didn't copy and paste them from someone's site. No one can sue me for using their pics without authorization because I own this!) 

Work has been a bit chaotic for me so I haven't really paid attention to Twitter. I will never make that mistake again! To my surprise I see that she's giving a "secret performance" at Joe's Pub in NYC. I read this like @ 2pm & she had tweeted about it a couple of hours earlier!!! I quickly got on FB & changed my status to, "who the hell works near joe's pub?". I work up in El Barrio & Tuesdays is one of my busiest days so I couldn't leave. This was hell on earth. This would've been my 2nd near miss since Alicia was at my job the week before & I found out way too late. Plus it wouldve been unprofessional of me to have approached her. Now if I was a real stalker, I wouldn't have cared. I respect her privacy and I also need my job.

So after securing the office (thanks S), I bounced around 340pm & headed to Joe's Pub. I hit up my fellow AK fan to join me. Of course my luck, I get there & its sold out. Surprise surprise. I stick around waiting for my homegirl when a black SUV pulls up. People are coming out of Joe's Pub, 2 bodyguards secure the perimeter and everyone is on alert. It's boo Alicia Keys has arrived for her soundcheck!!!! I text my homegirl to hustle it on over.
Alicia Key's SUV

Alicia Keys entering Joe's Pub (right before she blew me a kiss).
We waited for about 15 minutes & I see everyone start to position themselves. As her man Swizz would say, "It's Showtime!". I whipped out my droid and tried to get a pic. Those big ass guards were blocking her. As she ascended the steps to the entrance, I yelled out "Alicia Keys, I love you!". Alicia turns around and blows me a kiss. I could've died right there. I was stunned & speechless. I know it sounds dramatic, but at the particular moment everything in the world was great. 

Now if she had walked over to me,  I would've fainted right then and there. I know! I'm such a herb! Well I'm glad she didn't. I wasn't ready. I will be the next time we have another chance encounter. God looked out for me today. He had all the trains running on point that I ended up getting to Astor from Uptown in 15 minutes! That's a freakin' world record!

I had a great day and I want to shout out to all my friends who rallied me on my Alicia Keys journey and who tried to figure out ways to get me a ticket. It is definitely appreciated. Biggest lesson learned....never forget to check Twitter! 

Alicia, if you ever get to read this I'm not a crazie. I'm just a fan. I love your music, your sense of style, your humanitarian vision and creativity. Your music gave me hope during my darkest times and it is also provided the soundtrack of love in my life. Thank you for your music and your lyrics. Keep on doing what you do! 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Busted Feet Contest

Now that the summer is here, my other seasonal pet peeve has also arrived. During the winter, all I do is bitch and moan about those stupid Uggs. During the summer, all I do is bitch and moan about people and their fu*ked feet. Yes, I said it. So what?! If you have talons as opposed to pedicured feet, then you need to get you some Uggs and rock them all summer long. That's the only condition Uggs should be worn in the summer.

What is it with people leaving their homes in open toes shoes or sandals and not having a pedicure? Do I really want to look down while I'm riding on the train or bus, or waiting on line to buy something at the store and see chipped nail polish, crusty toenails, ashy feet or just plain hooves? There is no excuse for jacked up feet. I'm saying, even horses get new horseshoes when they need to. Why not get your feet done? It's going to take about 30 minutes and around $15-$20.

Look I'm not saying I have model feet. I don't, but I take care of them. I love my feet. I think my feet are sexy. I don't care what you think. I maintain them and make sure they look clean, smell clean, feel soft and my nails are trimmed. It's very simple. A quick pedi goes a long way. I type away I've noticed that I need a touch up myself. Now, all I said was a touch up since I had a pedi last week. Normally, a pedi lasts about 2 weeks, but I wore flip flops all weekend especially gallivanting in the West Village on Pride Sunday. All of that has taken a toll on my feet. Tomorrow I shall make an appointment!

Getting back to the topic, all I have to say is, "Good grief!" I can't stand to see a woman dressed up all nice and looking beautiful and when I look down, she's got rotten nail polish from when she was in high school. There is no excuse for such laziness. If you can't take care of your feet, I can only imagine how you "take care" of the rest of your hygiene. Now guys, the same goes for you. Do you think it's sexy for you to have long ass toenails that are yellow and cracked? That is not sexy. I'm starting to wonder if that's the reason that guys keep their socks on in porn flicks??? I don't know of anyone keeping their socks on while fornicating. Who the hell does that? That's like when guys where socks with sandals. Really who the hell does that????

So if you haven't made your appointment to get a pedi, NOW IS THE TIME! I'm all over NYC and if I happen to glance down and see that you haven't had a pedi since you were born, know that I will snap a picture with my handy dandy trusty droid. Let's see how many pics I can come up with for this one. I know some of my readers have the same pet peeve that I do. So readers let's make this interesting, send me your pics so I can create a NYC  Busted Feet Wall of Shame. Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Picture has to be taken somewhere in NYC. Your vacation pics won't count. 
  2. Take a picture of the feet, ONLY. We are not trying to get arrested for some violation of privacy crap. I know I'm not!
  3. Tell us the details of where this crime was committed. (i.e, Downtown E train)
  4. Date of crime.
  5. Your email address
We will pick a winner the day after Labor Day. I'm not rich, so there is no big fancy schmancy prize. The winner will get 2 movie tickets for either the AMC or Regal Theaters. 

So clear out the memory cards on your cell phones and let the games begin!!!

Sleep is for the birds.

Wow.... I cant' believe its been exactly 3 months since I've updated my blog. I guess that's what happens when you actually get some sleep! My bout with insomnia has more or less gone away. I actually miss it. I used to get so much done, now I feel a bit disorganized.
My insomnia would have me completely wired and hyper vigilant. I had crazy energy and was capable of doing so many things. Now that I'm somewhat sleeping, I'm lethargic and not focused. Is that possible? My goal now is to get back on the focus horse and keep my blog going. I worked so hard at it, why let it go to shit?  It's not that I've even run out of stories to tell. Quite the contrary. NYC has offered me an array of tantalizing epicurean and love delights that I will have to share or almost share.
So my deepest apologies my dear readers, your fellow Insomniac is back!