Monday, January 17, 2011


Yes I’m using an old ass medieval term for dating. I’m sorry. I’m old school. I really wish it was like back in the days when courting was in fashion. I would have been called ‘smashing’, ‘debonaire’, a true gentleman. I would be strutting around in a top hat and a cane. I envision looking like Gary Oldman as Count Dracula in Coppola’s adaption of Dracula. Talk about sexy! What do I get now..fucking “cute”.  Being called cute fucking sucks. It makes me feel like I’m 12 as opposed to being ahem…38.  Who the hell gets called cute at 38? I’m thinking its because of my youthful good looks, funny personality and that I’m short. Short people always get called cute.  Midgets/Little people get called ‘cute’. I’m not that little you know. I’m like the fucking jolly green giant next to a midget. Some women say that I’m good looking, I’ve been called handsome (depending on what I’m wearing) and even sexy. Cute…that really doesn’t cut it. It’s definitely a cold shower mood killer.

So let’s get back to courting. What is courting you ask? Well it’s the prequel to dating.  You ask the woman who is the apple of your eye out to dinner or for a walk across a bridge. Something very low key. You want to make sure that you want to pursue this. There is no kissing, no sex and absolutely no type of physical contact except for the good night kiss on the cheek (if you are lucky).  The courting process involves holding open doors, pulling out chairs, helping her with her coat, jacket or sweater and being a true gentleman. You court because you are interested. Some may say that courting and dating are synonymous, but they aren’t. Dating these days means having sex after the 2nd or 3rd date. Now I’m not judging anyone, but I think that’s pretty whoreish.  That’s just me. There is no way I’m going to trust anyone that will want to fuck me within 3 dates. She is definitely not wifey material. I’m saying have some standards woman!

There are some women out there that enjoy the courting bit. There are some that claim they want to be courted and then there are the whores who say it’s an ancient stupid tradition.  The women who enjoy being courted are far and few.  The few that I have met rather enjoy my debonair ways.  

As Latinos, courting is in our blood. It is a tradition that was brought to our people by the conquistadores during the conquest. Unfortunately, the Spaniards never bothered to court the countless Mayan, Aztec and Incan women, but that’s another whole story and a whole other blog.  As I was saying, courting is a Latino tradition. It’s been bastardized over the years with the advent of technology with people texting, web chats, chat rooms, dating sites, etc.  People who court and the courting tradition itself is on the verge of becoming extinct.  Our society is based on the immediate self gratification.  We want what we want when we want it. We don’t care about anyone else, but ourselves.  Everyone just wants to bust a nut. People across the board have lowered their standards. This is why courting is becoming or has become obsolete.  You have to see the faces people make when I say I like to court. They look at me like if I said I was a terrorist. It’s a mixed look of shock and pity. I don’t care though. It’s my tradition. Fuck all of you.   

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Yelping for Sex

NYC is a gourmet Mecca. No matter where in NYC you are, you will always have more than 5 choices of culinary delights and that's all on 1 NYC block! To clarify, when I say NYC I mean any neighborhood within the 5 boroughs. Unfortunately, that includes Staten Island. Who the hell goes to Staten Island? I surely don't, but I can't argue that I've had some great Italian and Japanese food there. It was great, but it's not that amazing that I would run to take the ferry.

I can't imagine living anywhere else in the world. I'm saying, where can you get Indian, Mexican, Chinese, Italian, Japanese and Afghani all on one block? No where in the world. I live in the city, but was born and raised in Queens. I have to say that if you want great ethnic food, Queens or Brooklyn is the place. Don't bother with Manhattan. I'm not saying you can't find great food, but Queens and Brooklyn offer the best. It's cheaper, it's better and true to its roots. Manhattan is too pretentious and expensive. Just hop on the train and head to the outer boroughs. Trust me that you won't be disappointed.

I will travel close to 2 hours from Manhattan to go to Coney Island for some of NYC's best Pizza. When you want the best of the best, a 2 hour trip is definitely worth the wait. I just won't eat any crappy pizza. I'm sorry. It's not that I am some gourmet chef. Not even close. I can throw down in the kitchen, but I do know what I like. I don't settle for less. Why would you?

Great food is like sex. If it's not good, you'll never eat at that place ever again. If it's good, you'll want to go back there again and again. Hell I've traveled across state lines for some great bootay.  If it's worth it, they will come...ahem...

When looking for a new spot to eat, I Yelp it. Imagine if there was Yelp for sex? That would be awesome. A sample review would read like, "Great ambiance, it was a little too noisy, but who's complaining, great for a party, service was impeccable and the main dish was fresh and melted in my mouth." The problem would be the haters out there who would write negative reviews just because they were ejected/banned from the "restaurant". I would have to read several reviews in order to determine the common thread.
The biggest problem would be if your "restaurant" sucked. You would never be able to live down your review.  That would SUCK! Regardless, I still think this sex Yelp would be a great idea. Hmmmmm......

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Let's Go Craaaaazzzyyy!

As a woman, I can honestly admit that we are a tad crazy. If you are a woman reading this and you are appalled and upset by my comment get over it. Man up! YOU are crazy. The question is what degree of crazy are you?

You know how when you go to the Emergency Room there is a pain scale of ‘smiley’ faces that goes from a smile to a sad face.  There should be a similar chart to show your crazy level.  The crazy scale would start with a regular smile to symbolize ‘normal’ and end with a face that has swirlies for eyes and holding a machete.  That final face would epitomizethe approved term of the American Psychiatric Association for a completely crazed and delusional person, aka una “loca”.

I’ve done some internet research to find some sort of ‘crazy scale’, but there really isn’t one. Honestly, I don’t understand why no one has developed one. Creating a crazy scale may be my new project.  People who work in the psychiatric/mental health world get bent out of shape when people use words crazy, looney, lunatic, etc. I know because I worked in the field for a couple fo years. Everyone is so goddamn sensitive. You would think I was lobbying for mandated institutionalization. So everyone needs to take a Xanax and chill the fuck up.

The thing about the crazy scale is that you wouldn’t be able to honestly indicate which level of crazy you may be.  Another person would only be able to use the crazy scale on you. A true crazy person does not see themselves as crazy. Being crazy also means being DELUSIONAL. Come on let’s say it together…DE-LU-SION-AL.  Crazy and delusional go hand in hand. You know what else goes hand and hand with being and hot.  Yes I said it. You know it’s true. The hotter/sexier the woman is the crazier she is. It’s so true. Come on you know it is.

Now of course, there isn’t a crazy scale, but there is an actual ‘hot-crazy scale’. It was created by the great writes of the CBS’s hit show, “How I Met Your Mother”. The ‘Hot-Crazy’ Scale was coined by Barney Stinson. (On a side note, Barney Stinson and Charlie Harper are my heroes. Funny that they are both from CBS shows. Hmmmmm…)
Barney’s ‘Hot-Crazy Scale’ states that a girl is allowed to be crazy IF she is equally hot. As per Barney’s blog, this is his explaination:

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become – knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Ahhhhh now that explains it. What? You don’t understand? Think back and remember all the hot chicks you have been attracted too. Now be honest…they were a bit crazy..right? You see what I mean.  Now with that being said, there is no way I am going NOT going to date a hot chick. Sorry if I sound shallow, but chemistry is everything.  Non-hot chicks aka ugly chicks are boring. Why are they boring? Well they aren’t that physically appealing which makes them social introverts. Social introverts are boring. They are not social because they are insecure about their looks. The problem is that they are usually pretty smart and cultured. Obviously because they have no life so they read a lot and go to museums.  These ugly social retards are also often crazy themselves. They are not the hot-crazy crazy, but a different type of crazy. It’s usually one of those boring ‘crazy’ behaviors like depression or anxiety.  Those 2 are usually pretty boring. Who the hell wants to date a Debbie Downer or Anxious Agnes? Certainly not me. This girls bore me to death. They are always worried about not saying or doing the right thing. That’s too much of a hassle for me.

Now….let’s talk about hot-crazy.  I’ve dated some pretty attractive women in my life.  These women not only a representative on their dates with me, but their whole damn fucking entourage. You get swept up like a damn tornado. You’re in awe with her beauty and if she’s smart and has personality… It’s over for you. You might as well throw your hands up in the air and wave the white flag of surrender.  The only thing you don’t do is admit to the pretty woman that you have given up. She will chew you up and spit you out before you have even realized it.  In the end she will spit you out, but if you are going to date her a couple of times you might as well have fun.

So in what ways are pretty women crazy? Let’s see. I actually have to think about this one because even though I know it’s true, your mind plays tricks on you.  As you start to think about them and their crazy behavior, your memory becomes tainted by images of their beauty and the crazy shit she did to you in bed. You see what I mean? That’s why pretty women always get forgiven for EVERYTHING! You end up apologizing for shit you didn’t even do. Really? Like what the fuck is that all about? If you get truly mad over some stupid inconsiderate shit they’ve done, all they do is bat their eyelashes, show some cleavage, make pouty faces and then we forget why were mad to begin with. It’s so pathetic.

If the terrorists were smart they would recruit all their attractive women and teach them these emotional guerilla tactics to use against our soldiers.  Men fall for this shit so easily and obviously the women who love women.  Oh wait how can we forget the gays?!  When I say “the gays”, I mean men who love men.  Now I still believe they would fall for this hot women emotional guerilla tactic because gay men LOVE LOVE beautiful women. They collect them like trophy wives. These beautiful straight women are used as to bait to attract the wayward heterosexual man.  So I think it may still work. The terrorists just need to make sure they are wearing this season’s Prada shoes and a Balenciaga bag. Jesus Christ! My roommate needs to stop leaving those damn Vogue issues in the bathroom!!

I’ve fallen for the pouty face trap a bazillion times by several different women. You would think I would have learned my lesson. No..not at all. Did I mention that it’s pretty pathetic? I try my hardest though. I really do. Sometimes I make it through a 5 WHOLE MINUTES..a 5 WHOLE MINUTES sticking to my guns and then I cave in.  I think my record is 15 minutes.
So the next time you see a pretty young thing, remember to run a crazy scale through your head.  

Oh wait I didn’t even discuss the crazy behaviors that make up the damn crazy scale! DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?!! Thinking of a pretty woman completely makes you lose focus. Good Grief!!!

If you surf the net there are countless of websites detailing the top 10 signs of a crazy girl. They are all pretty much the same. I’m going to use these 2 websites since I’m going by my personal experience. Luckily I’ve only dated a couple of crazy girls and never made them an official girlfriend (oh wait I forgot about the blemish on my almost impeccable record).  Besides the one crazy Central American chick that I dated, I’ve been pretty lucky.  I was dating a PR mixed chick last year. I don’t really consider hot. She was aight. It lasted about 5 months. During the 4th month, I saw how crazy she was. I tried to bail, but I couldn’t shake her off. One thing about crazy women is that the sex is fucking amazing. Why? Because they are crazy and are up for anything and everything. When I say anything and everything….EVERYTHING!
Review the list and I pray that you don’t answer yes to any of the signs. If so…ABORT MISSION!!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Flirting 101

Flirting is one of my natural Leo traits. I love to flirt with anyone and everyone. It can be a guy or a girl. When it comes to flirting with a guy, the timing has to be just right.  Well for me it does since I don’t really flirt with me. Women on the other hand, there is no timing. It comes “au natural”.   I flirt with waitresses, bank tellers, nurses, doctors, sales clerks, hostesses, lawyers, mothers, daughters (adults) old women and of course young women.  I always start off with a greeting of sorts such as “Good morning/afternoon, hope you have been a good day so far..” That starts off the conversation. They usually reply with a typical answer such as “it’s ok, it’s pretty good” or something along that line and then I get a smile. Yes, I know what you are thinking, these women are not gay or like women or how in the hell do I know that they may be remotely interested in you. I don’t.  It’s as simple as that. I don’t flirt because I’m trying to pick up someone, but because I’m just flirting. That’s it. If something arises out of the flirting, then that’s a whole different ball game.  That’s not my goal or challenge. I just love to flirt.

So let’s get back to basic flirting 101. Once I’ve engaged my flirtee, I say something funny related to the reason I’m speaking to this person. I’m also naturally very charming and that definitely helps.  People don’t realize how having a sense of humor is a very sexy and attractive trait. I have to say that it is the #2 trait I personally look for in a woman.  #1 is brains.  Once I make the woman laugh or giggle, I have succeeded. I’ve succeeded in flirting with what is most common a straight woman and probably have her thinking for a split second how cute I am. Yes I know I’m sounding a little conceited, but trust me I’m far from it. I just like to offer women options. No one should be contained to a box. That’s boring. I like to make women smile and laugh. It’s my thing.  Sometimes by the end of the night, especially with bartenders and waitresses, I have usually told them that they are the woman that I’ve been looking for all my life. We both laugh, I get great service and she gets a good tip. Everyone is happy.

Flirting with all these women helps boost your self-confidence. It is a testing ground of sorts for being comfortable in your approach. It’s fairly easy since you are not asking anyone out so the pressure is off. You are worry free from the stress of whether or not she will say yea or nay. All you are doing is flirting. So start practicing. Think about when people flirt with you. Think of some great flirting memories and compare them to the futile flirting attempts that someone has even tried with you. I’m sure you’ll laugh at some of the corny lines you’ve been dished.

With that being said, always remember that just because a woman has responded to your flirt DOES NOT necessarily mean she’s interested. Remember women tend to be polite. They may just laugh it off or just smile. So that’s why I say..just practice for now. Eventually you will start picking up the obvious Sherlock Holmes clues that she is interested in you.

Your homework for this week is to go out there and flirt your butt off. Don’t flirt at work because you don’t want a lawsuit on your hands. Flirt anywhere else. If you have to think twice about flirting with a particular woman, ABORT MISSION..ABORT..MISSION. Go with your gut feeling. For example, flirting with your kid’s teacher is an example of a mission you should abort. Now that I’ve given you the fine print in a not so fine 11 Calibri font, don’t just stand there…GO!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dating sucks!

I'm a 30 something single Latina whose knee deep in the dating game. Dating sucks. You would think that me being a woman would be easier dating other women would be easier. Hell to the NO! Women are such complicated creatures. I totally understand why men and women click. Men just can't be bothered with their crap so they either turn on to a game on the tv or toss money their way to go shopping. Problem solved.
The problem is that since I am woman, it isn't that easy. I want to be understanding, patient, caring and loving.
I need some testosterone, but without it giving me facial hair. Actually I just need balls. Big giant balls. These women can eat you up alive. Dating is like walking into the dragon's lair without a sword. It is brutal. I've been dating on and off for about a year and a half. I'm so over it. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a high sexual drive, I would become asexual. Let the games begin.